Robert S. Hartman said that a person withholds 40% of his/her cooperation and productivity. This means you are only getting 60% of a person’s attention. The wall of resistance is even greater when you are trying to sell, recruit, or coach somebody.
People put up walls for many reasons. One reason is for self-protection. The rationalization is that if they let their walls down, there may be problems or they will get hurt. Not only does the other person have a wall of resistance, but you do too. You may have an agenda or baggage or some insecurity; you may even be trying to protect yourself from getting hurt. What are the chances that you can create any kind of trust if you both have built up walls of resistance?
If you are in a sales position or even just a personal situation where trust is important, it’s crucial to understand how to really connect with people. You would never say to someone, “I need you buy product x from me today because my house payment is due,” but have you ever thought that? If so, the other person will feel that hidden agenda and put up a wall of resistance.
Here’s the good news, you have two major tools to bring down those walls: empathy and intuition, phenomenal tools that allow you to step into somebody else’s world. We call this process intrinsic validation. This is the ability to really understand the other person without needing to fix or convince them; it is a heightened level of awareness that allows you to let go of the need to impress. Intrinsic validation is the key to better relationships. It allows you to bring down the walls by creating a place of safety, security, and trust.
In The Greatest Salesman in the World, Og Mandino says, “I will greet this day with love in my heart” (Scroll II). What is he talking about when he says love? And why is he calling it the greatest weapon? The love he is talking about is intrinsic validation. Below are the 7 basic principles:
Principle #1: See the good in everyone.
This is not looking at how someone performs, their external appearance, or what they do; a person’s value is much deeper than that. Look below the surface at the unique value of an individual. Ask yourself is this person caring, motivated, excited, empathetic, etc?
Principle #2: See it, say it.
Verbalizing the good in the other person forces you to be in the present moment and share what is special or unique.
Principle #3: Listen for doors.
Look out for verbal hints about what the other person is thinking or saying. What may appear as objections are actually doors into the others person’s world.
Principle #4: Step into their world.
Ask questions. You really do have to care enough about what is going on in the other person’s world. It is much easier to listen for doors and step into another person’s world, than to try to overcome objections. This can be as simple as, “can you tell me more about that?”
Principle #5: Stay in their world.
Put yourself in their shoes and ask questions that demonstrate you understand where they are coming from. Once you are in their world, draw on your experiences to ask the questions that show them you understand.
Principle #6: Use timing effectively
Timing is crucial. How long do you stay in their world? Is it the right or wrong time to share? In personal situations, it is best to listen and not necessary share. In business settings, you want to be able to share so you can sell. This is when you have the opportunity to say, “Is it enough for today, or can I share?”
Principle #7: Invite them into your world
This is where you share. If you have really and truly validated the other person, his/her walls will be down because you have established a place of trust and safety. This is when you may sell, tell your story, and coach more effectively.
These principles may be simple, but they are not always easy. To find out more about how to build better relationships through intrinsic validation, reach out to us at firstname.lastname@example.org. Discover how you can sell, recruit, and coach more effectively.